So today is the first day to the annual political science association meeting and I am really looking forward to it as well as a new school year aka fresh start.
However, as I was riding down the highway a bit sleep deprived i.e. plenty to sleep the two days prior to my trip but not so much the night before. Anyway a thought came to mind indirectly about love 1.5 (for those who don’t follow me on Twitter or are not in my inner circle I say love 1.5 because I was falling in love with him bit didn’t make the full jump thanks to a nice fellowship that sent me overseas to do some research) whose close friend I recently spoke to online. The daydream was as follows: I ask 1.5’s good friend to let me know when 1.5 is married or planning to get married. I apologized to him for the request as I understood that he is 1.5’s friend first and that his loyalty is or should be to him but that sharing this bit of information would save me some embarrassment if I ever run into 1.5 and his future wife in the street without knowing that Wife 1.5 even exists.
Anyway…moving to why I started to write this post in the first place…as i got off the metro and walked toward the conference hotel I was a bit disoriented as I had looked online as to where the hotel was in relation to the metro stop but it never looks like it does on Google maps. Yet the moment I looked right off of Connecticut it was like I was going ‘Back to the Future’ as I envisioned memories from just over four years ago of me and the last time I saw love 1.5 (um punto cinco…how I’m saying this in my head right now because I took Portuguese 1.5 this summer…welcome to my world ;D). It was crazy because I knew it without even completely seeing the hotel…it was like my heart had memory radar or something. It hit me harder because I wasn’t expecting it AT ALL; and this morning I did not want to feel like that younger less wise version of myself.
However, as I talked to myself more and more saying, “you have about another 20 minutes to snap out of this ‘Back to the Future’ moment and get back to ‘Move It Forward’ land…I begin to realize (more than 20 minutes later…full disclosure) just how much I have grown from that moment and to see the mistakes I made as just that mistakes. Today, thank you Jesus, I don’t blame 1.5 for what happened in some senses I blame myself – not in a victim sort of way but in the way that I had one expectation and he, I assume, had another and I couldn’t see that at the time (see reference to my younger less wise version of myself).There was nothing wrong with he or I and frankly the only reason why I had the moment that I flashed back on today was because when it was over prior to that time I couldn’t swallow that it was over…not because I was trying to hang on to him (ok I was because I REALLY liked him and I wanted it to work) but because I couldn’t at the time digest loosing another romantic interest due to my professional goals (another post for another time). Looking back (hello hindsight is 20/20) I held on longer because it was easier to hold on to hope that after I finish my research we can give us a real try than to do the work I needed to do to move forward from him (which I have now done…for the record).
As I finish writing this now…hours after my ‘Back to the Future’ moment I have to say today was a reminder that no matter how much it hurt then and how it kinda hurt re-visualizing one of my more embarrassing moments I’m actually glad that it happened because if it had not happened I would not be the growing woman that I am today.
To close all I can say is this…sometimes it is okay to go ‘Back to the Future’ especially when you are trying to get insight TO the future BUT its important that you don’t alter anything when you go back like Marty McFly did when he first went back to see how his parents met (click the link for a plot refresh)…because if you do you could alter your destined future and jeopardize your very happy existence: Look back but only to archive and close — keep it moving…forward.